Jokes !!(Warning may contain offensive & explicit language)!!

Discussion in 'Osprey Knife & Tool' started by Osprey Knife & Tool, Dec 3, 2016.

  1. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    I hope I am not breaking the rules with this but, if I am someone let me know and I will delete this thread, but I need some jokes in my life, so let me hear them.

    BTW, I dont offend easily but lets keep it to a reasonable level.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
  2. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    Knock knock?
     
  3. Warrior108

    Warrior108 Platinum Member Platinum Member

    Apr 24, 2012
    Who's there? Wait, is this an owl joke?
     
  4. Panthera tigris

    Panthera tigris Street Samurai Gold Member

    Apr 21, 2012
    Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
     
  5. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    Knock knock? Who's there?
    Some.


    Not an owl joke
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
  6. Panthera tigris

    Panthera tigris Street Samurai Gold Member

    Apr 21, 2012
    Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
    Dr. Grant: I don't know - what do you call a blind dinosaur?
    Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus.
    Dr. Grant: Ha-ha. Good one.
    Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
    Dr. Grant: You got me.
    Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex.
     
  7. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    What!:D , I have so many more questions. Lol
     
  8. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

    Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

    The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

    George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

    The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

    George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

    The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

    Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

    The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
  9. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
    The grass tickles their balls.
     
  10. Panthera tigris

    Panthera tigris Street Samurai Gold Member

    Apr 21, 2012
    Most cats here will understand the punchline

    [video=youtube;SdBLgrp0VWo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdBLgrp0VWo[/video]
     
  11. Coke

    Coke

    Aug 26, 2016
    Leroy, an African American was holidaying in Australia some time ago, after a well planned trip to cross the country by foot and take in all the sites along the way.

    As he approached the middle of the continent near Ayers Rock he was feeling kind of thirsty so he pops into a Hotel out in the middle of nowhere for a beer.

    The barman serves him a cold one and as Leroy sat on the bar enjoying it he noticed a very large open jar at the end of the bar almost filled with $50 notes. He asks the barman what it was about, to which he replied, "Well, we acquired a large donkey some time ago and the poor bugger refuses to stop crying. He's out in the backyard and we've been giving the patrons a chance to win a few bucks if any of them can stop him crying. You can have a go if you want, it'll cost you 50 bucks, and if you succeed, you can take the jackpot."

    So Leroy gets up, throws 50 bucks into the jar, walks out the back, and then walks STRAIGHT back in and goes straight for the money in the jar. The Barman says to him, "Wait a minute, what happened?" Leroy says, "Go out and have a look." So the barman did, and to his surprise for the fist time ever, the Donkey as pissing himself laughing. Scratching his head the barman goes back in and says to Leroy, "I don't how you did it, but the money's all yours."

    So Leroy takes it and continues on with his walkabout across the land.

    Some 6 months lateron his return trip Leroy again decides to stop in at the same bar for a cool one, and AGAIN, the jar was in its place almost filled with 50 buck notes. The barman remembered him and says, "Mate, ever since you made the donkey laugh, no matter what we do, he won't stop. It's been driving us all nuts. So anyone who can stop him now gets the pot, 50 bucks a go. Are you in?" "Sure am." says Leroy, throws in a 50 and goes straight out the back and then comes straight back in within a few seconds and again starts pulling all the money out of the jar. LOL!!

    The barman runs out and in complete dismay sees the donkey once again crying his eyes out. He runs straight back inside and asks Leroy, "Hang on a minute man, WTF is it you're doing that makes him change moods so fast??!!"

    Leroy turns and says, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his... and the second time, I showed it to him.":D
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  12. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”
     
  13. Kirkwood

    Kirkwood Platinum Member Platinum Member

    Dec 29, 2012
    I posted this on the Fiddleback forum a long time ago.

    An Italian Boy's Confession

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

    "'Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the girl you were with?"

    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Nina Capelli?"

    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
     
  14. Odaon

    Odaon Gold Member Gold Member

    Apr 13, 2009
    Haha!!
    The only jokes I can think of of the top of my head or sort of dark so I'll save those for another time. Enjoying the posts so far guys!
     
  15. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

    The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

    The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
     
  16. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014

    This was a good one I had not heard before, thank you for sharing :D
     
  17. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014
    Oldi but goodie, I didn't hear it for awhile thank you for sharing!
     
  18. TheAmish1

    TheAmish1

    259
    Jul 21, 2015
    A young Native American boy asks his father how he was named,
    His father advised him that the chief chose all of their names.

    Upon seeing the chief, the young man posed his question.

    Young brave: Oh Great Chief, I understand you name all the children of our tribe.
    May I ask how do you achieve this ?

    Chief : Well, do you see Flying Dove over there ? The morning of her birth a dove flew overhead,
    and there, Running Bear, I saw a bear running through the woods on the day of his birth.
    Why do you ask these questions Two Dogs Fucking ?
     
  19. Osprey Knife & Tool

    Osprey Knife & Tool Moderator Moderator

    Jun 4, 2014

    Lol, that's a good one, for some reason I recall this one being a version of one I heard in the movie Dances with Wolves. An awesome Classic! I could be mistaken though.
     
  20. mjbine

    mjbine Gold Member Gold Member

    333
    Jan 12, 2011
    A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
    But what the heck, he says to himself "I can really use a drink."

    When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
    name of your pecker?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
    The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
    tell me the name of your pecker. Mine for instance is called Nike, for
    the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his
    Snickers, because it really satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
    second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left,
    who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
    asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
    keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
    to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
    The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is
    Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and
    gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
    with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my pecker is 'SECRET.'
    Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
    asked "Why Secret?"
    The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
    FOR A WOMAN!!
     
    gunslinger387 likes this.

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